Toolkits for Tough Times: Partners on Deployment

A guide for good mental health when your loved one leaves home on deployment.

Article written by SSAFA Digital Welfare Officer, RAF North Team: Dani Holt



Over the next few months, TV screens will show us the faces of men, and a few women, returning home from Europe as the nation marks the 80th anniversary of the end of World War Two. 

The look on the faces, and the emotions will be familiar to anyone who saw a parent, a husband, wife, son, or daughter deploy to the Falklands, the Gulf, Bosnia, Afghanistan, Iraq, or any of the other conflicts since 1945. It’s relief, joy, gratefulness, and so much more. 

But this article is about the going overseas – the deployment – not the return to home, which has its own challenges and will be the subject of a future article.

Deploying overseas is never easy, and in a world where tensions between nations and blocs seem worse than ever, that peacekeeping operation, massive training exercise or, to use the jargon, “helping safeguard the territorial integrity of NATO allies” can seem awfully close to both the real thing – and a potential adversary. 

So, how do you and your family cope with a loved one going overseas?

There’s no hard and fast rule; different strategies work for different people, but I’m writing this not just as a welfare officer in the RAF PS&SWS, but as the partner of a serving soldier and someone who has many close friends, who are also married to serving personnel. 

I know that deployments can be very daunting, stressful and let’s face it, just awful. But the most important mindset is a positive one, every day you wake up, think of something positive in your life, think of what you get to do today and not what you can’t do, it can be something as simple as I can get out of bed without the support of another. It gets better day by day and easier as time passes until the day they come back home, so remember to be kind to yourself during this time. 

Challenges you might face include:

  • No local family support or no friendship groups  
  • Childcare issues  
  • Supporting your child alone
  • Job role issues if any issues with childcare or child is off sick etc this sometimes off-putting to managers and trying to gain jobs roles with a military wife status – this sometimes is known not by us informing but the addresses we provide
  • Facing deployment as soon as moved to a brand-new area, not knowing the local area  
  • If you don’t drive this can be very difficult with getting to appointments, or children to school etc depending on where you have been housed
  • Not having childcare for when you have GP appointments or hospital appointments.  
  • Facing just real-life loneliness and no adult interaction daily, having no one to share you day with
  • Safely living in the house as a single parent 
  • Anxiety and mental health issues that are already an issue becoming worse over time when alone 
  • Not having children can be a barrier to making new friends 
  • Having to deal with all daily life struggles alone, and home renovations, weekly food shops, paying bills, making appointments, financial hardships for example washing machine has broken, finding the funds for a new one and purchasing and plumbing in a new one, keeping up with car maintenances booking MOT services or just general works etc 
  • Trying to keep on top of health such as not being able to go to the gym anymore because you don’t have childcare – ultimately your freedom and independence can be taken away if you have young children  
  • You can lose contact with family and friends because you are unable to make special occasions etc  
  • Can cause rifts and resentment towards spouse and military life.  
  • You don’t know how safe your spouse is depending on where they have been deployed to.

 

Things to try and focus on while your spouse is deployed: 

  • If you have friends and family nearby, utilise this and make plans in the diary and stick to them as much as possible (spread them out across the month).
  • Make small goals to set yourself every month e.g. this month I’m going to walk 10,000 steps a day, this month I’m going to buy myself a crafting kit and complete a painting, this month I’m going to read a book, this month I’m going to volunteer a day of my time, this month I’m going to treat myself to a spa day etc. Remember these are your goals and are individual to you.
  • Have a diary for the kids to score off day by day, have a little treat jar and let them take one out every day till mummy or daddy is home and let them see the sweets get smaller and smaller in the jar, do a memory book for when mum or dad are home, keep up to this and pick a day through the week to update it.
  • Try to keep children focused on the positives for example set playdates and days out to the park for a picnic or a swim day etc have it on the calendar so they can visualise fun things ahead.
  • Be honest with your kids, if they are sad and you are sad tell them you feel this way too and its ok to feel like this, but its short lived and they won’t always feel this way.
  • If you don’t have children, make time to go out for walks and try and join local groups to meet people even if it’s just to socialise while you are there, join a gym even if only to walk on the treadmill, go to local coffee mornings that the welfare put on. These can be daunting, but they are there for a reason. Use your local HIVE and welfare service for information on the local community.

 

Other resources you might find useful:

Military Spouse Deployment Support | Military OneSource
Deployment support and resources | RAF Families Federation
Royal Air Force Benevolent Fund 
Little Troopers 
Supporting Children During Deployment | Military OneSource 
Local HIVE and welfare service finder | RAF
 

And remember, if you, or someone you know is struggling, please contact SSAFA's RAF Personal Support and Social Work Service by:

WhatsApp: +44 20 3769 0808
Facebook: facebook.com/ssafarafpssws
Call: 0800 058 4690 (UK callers) | +44 20 4570 3939 (Overseas callers)  
Webchat: Click here
In-person at most RAF stations


And I’ll end with something I said earlier: try to be kind to yourself, because you will get through this.